I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew...

Is that what he meant by Super Ego?

I was chatting with my good friend, Alecia, who is quite the blogger/letter-writer in her own right. Lately, we've been discussing her social life issues, since they are so much more exciting in a don't-want-to-look-but-can't-turn-away-from-the-twenty-car-pileup sort of way than anything going on in my life. So, in an attempt at cultural humor and to let her know that I understood the layers that make up a woman's deepest thoughts, I attempted to reference a sometimes-quoted line from Titanic. I meant to say, "A woman's heart is like a deep ocean..."

Here's what I actually said:

ba: modern day philosopher, the old lady from titanic once said ...

ba: "a woman's heart is like a dead ocean"

ba: "deep"

ba: whoa...that was WAY too freudian

alecia: yikes

ba: yeah, you can see what my social life has been like lately

Sometimes a cigar...

Is Mistletoe a Christmas olive branch?

I woke up earlier this Sunday morning than I should have and started catching up on my blog-reading. When I came across this post from Neil's blog, which is always entertaining (no talking penis this time, but entertaining nonetheless), I read this line, "It DOES bother me that most of the complainers about the 'War on Christmas' come from conservative commentators such as Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson." Add CNN's Lou Dobbs to that list of the profoundly stupid...

First of all, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't we have a real war going on? And doesn't it diminish that little conflict in Iraq to use the retarded phrase, "War on Christmas?" It's not like people are laying roadside bombs because someone said "Happy Holidays."

And the more I think about this "War on Christmas" thing, the more I begin to feel like it's really thinly veiled Antisemitism. These aren't people who are pissed off about "political correctness" for Kwanzaa or some Islamic holiday (since there isn't really one right now) or because a Hindu doesn't have anything exciting to do this season. These are people who don't want to have to accommodate their speech because it may not be respectful of Jews, who are celebrating an entirely different holiday at this time.

And these "news commentators" aim to create stupid issues like this to drive wedges between people, to make people--not only different--but disrespectful of those differences. As though, because someone is different, it's an assault on who they are, and, therefore, by saying Happy Holidays, someone is not being respectful, but rather is giving up who they are for who I am.

And, none of that is even remotely true.

When someone says, "Happy Holidays" to me or "Happy Hanukkah," I appreciate it. When I see one of those screens they flash on TV with "Happy Hanukkah," I'm touched that they thought enough about my holidays, even though I'm in the considerable minority, to say something nice like that.

But, I'm not an idiot. I know me and "my peeps" are just 2% of the population. So, when I get a "Merry Christmas," I don't get bent out of shape. I just smile and say, "You too."

"Oh, and, you can pack those Hanukkah candles in a plastic bag."

Denial ain't just a river...

This week I've watched a considerable amount of news about Iran's Holocaust Denial Conference. Frankly, I've found it intriguing. And after viewing the diverse views espoused by such respected professionals as David Duke and Adolf Ahmadinejad in an open forum that was so thoughtful as to exclude any historian or Holocaust survivor, I've had to reconsider my views. That's right, searching the recesses of my mind, my upbringing and my history, I've had to reconsider.

And I've come to the conclusion that I've been duped.

And so have you.

That's right, we've all been led to believe in a so-called "historical event" of which there is no real proof.

You and I have been duped into believing this:

That there were earthquakes in Iran.

I know, I know. This flies in the face of years of inculcated information. But, take a second and consider the following questions:

Have you ever experienced an earthquake in Iran?

If you haven't, then how do you know they really exist?

If you believe you have, can you be sure it was an earthquake? How do you know it wasn't something else, like, oh, let's say an underground nuclear weapons test?

Sure, we've all read the articles, from the media outlets, the New York Times, the BBC, the Jerusalem Post---there was an "earthquake" in 1990 where 35,000 people "supposedly" died, that there was another so-called "earthquake" in December 2003 that claimed more than 15,000 so-called "victims."

But who's to say that this wasn't just part of the well-known Iranian media conspiracy? Who's to say these "facts" of recorded history haven't been blown out of proportion?

Sure, there may have been some shaking or something and maybe some people were injured, probably like 10-15 or so, but those reported casualty numbers are so big, they just can't be true. Geology just can't be that cruel.

So, here's the real reason. Iran has always been looking for world sympathy, a way to justify its existence, since it was just "given" to the Iranian people at the fall of the Ottoman Empire. These "earthquakes" are it. They create worldwide sympathy for the supposed victims and lead to masses of foreign aid---even from the Iranian entity's sworn enemies. In fact, if it wasn't for the brainwashed pro-Iranian U.S. Congress, the Iranian entity wouldn't even exist today!

Oh yes, we have been fooled. Fooled by Iran's desire to coddle world opinion. Fooled by our sympathy for people in need. Fooled by our belief in the "truth" of history and geology.

And, I, as one truly enlightened person, simply will not be fooled anymore.

There have never been earthquakes in Iran.

It's beginning to feel a lot like time to hit the iPod...

I realize that most people would have me drawn and quartered for this, but here's the thing.

I hate Christmas music.

It's not that I hate Christmas. Although I do feel bad for religious Christians who have had Hallmark destroy what was once an actual religious holiday, I'm really ambivalent about the holiday.

I like the lights.

Well, the white and red ones.

The rainbow colored ones, however...sorry. Gaudy.

But the red lights and the white lights, very pretty.

I like the giving nature of the season, although I wonder why the other 11 months don't matter.

I even like It's a Wonderful Life, although I don't know why Jimmy Stewart doesn't learn his lesson after seeing what his life is like without him every single year.

But the music, the fucking music, drives me batty.

It's not that I'm Jewish. I mean, my mother's Jewish and she can't get enough of the Christmas music. In fact, if I go home for the holidays, it's more likely that I'll hear the music in our Jewish home than anywhere else.

And it's obviously not that I'm a Scrooge. Like I said before, I kind of like the season.

So, today, I started thinking about why I have this viseral reaction to Christmas music and this is what I came up with. It's The Gap's fault.

When I was in high school, I worked for The Gap for two years. That annoying kid who would welcome you to the store and immediately address your needs or remember the last time you were there and what you bought, yeah, that was me. One of the side benefits of a disturbingly good memory. The reason you got "greeted" wasn't just because the company (that's what we called it, "the company" -- very 1984, I know) wanted you to feel comfortable in the store, it was because the likelihood of a properly greeted shop lifter continuing to shop lift was exponentially smaller. At least according to "The Company."

It was a good job and, frankly, I still own clothes I bought while I worked for the company. The discount was wicked good. To this day, I still feel bad paying full price for anything in the store.

However, during "Holiday"---which is what The Company calls it---everyone's schedule increased. I worked an ungodly number of hours then. And the whole time, the whole fucking time, that stupid ass Christmas music tape would blast through the speaker system over and over and over.

Nothing, and I mean nothing can ruin you forever for Christmas music than hearing it every damn day, all day, for over a month.

No one was happier for the 26th.