By now, you should know, I lack game.
What can I say? Some guys have it. Some guys don't.
Somehow, I get the wrong f-word with any female I'm interested in.
Geez, even saying it gives me the shivers.
So, imagine how surprised I was when a girl I've been interested in (and, yes, to the next question, she's Jewish) broke up with her boyfriend. I gave her grieving space for some time, but then, like a lion stalking its prey, began slowly moving in.
One night, we were at a friend's party. She and I were standing together. She had her arm around my waist and I was combing her long locks with my fingers. She looked in my eyes, leaned in close and said:
"So, tell me about your friend, I___."
Are you fucking kidding me?
So I spent the next I-don't-know-how-long-but-it-felt-like-forever listening to her tell me how great my friend was, how interested she was in him, and how she was hoping he indicated some interest in her as well. All with one of the worst fake smiles I've ever mustered.
And during this conversation, she indicated my apparent flaws. My eye color (damnit, I like my blue-green eyes!) and the fact that I'm not bilingual. I don't understand the bilingual thing. I talk to people in Canada, England and Australia on occassion and I understand them perfectly.
Nevertheless, there I was. Discovering a whole new realm of hell.
The only way it could have been worse would have been if she had started singing, "It's a Small World After All."
So the search continues.
In the meantime, if you know any women who are cute, Jewish and local...
...or better yet, if you have Sasha Cohen's number...