Fake News Network has discovered that the President does, in fact, have a hidden agenda. Specifically, the expected Senate focus on General Hayden will avoid otherwise vigorous scrutiny of the President's other nominees and appointees, which will be announced next Monday.
FNN has learned that President Bush has named the following nominees and appointees:
- After learning of her success at discovering her own cyberstalker, the President has nominated Wordnerd as Chief of the National Security Agency. A White House senior official touted the nominee, stating, "With her incredible knowledge of the internet and other technology, there's no question she's the right woman for the responsibility of running the Nation's foreign, and not-so-secret domestic, wiretap programs. Our national security is more than safe in her hands."
- With her innovative views on English grammar, the President has nominated Everyday Goddess as the Secretary of the Department of Education. "Ms. Goddess's new look at language has been exactly what the President has been looking for his entire administration," the White House official said. "Finally, someone has real ideas to distinguish American English from what they speak on the other side of the Atlantic."
- In an incredibly bold move which is sure to improve foreign relations on the northern border, the President has nominated a Canadian citizen, Postmodern Sass, to head the Commission on International Religious Freedom. Evidently, the President was impressed with Ms. Sass's desire to learn the nuances of Jewish culture and anticipates she'll bring a new, distinctly Canadian position on multicultural tolerance to the agency. The senior White House official commented, "The President was incredibly impressed with Ms. Sass. In fact, she's told us that she's already attempting to learn Hebrew and Yiddish, just so she'll know Jewish colloquialisms!" Upon learning of her nomination, Ms. Sass commented, "Are you a meshuggina?!? Oy, I'm getting ver clempt!" However, Ms. Sass's ability to deal with intellectually challenged Craig's list shoppers was not a factor in the President's decision.
- The President has appointed Jack Cluth to head the Transportation Security Administration. By teaching passengers to think of who is waiting for them at their destination, Mr. Cluth hopes to reduce the focus on how long passengers have to wait in security before boarding their flights. "We really think Mr. Cluth's perspective will be a distraction...I mean, innovation to help address long security lines."
- Expecting her to extend the need to attack obesity in inanimate objects and to stop hospitals creating their own child-patients, the President has appointed Wenchypoo to the Presidential Counsel on Physical Fitness. In her appointment letter, the White House stated, "Wenchypoo's going to give a whole new perspective on how to fight the battle of the bulge." Apparently, the President also believes Wenchypoo stood out among other possible appointees due to her fascination with largesse and unique expressions of faith.
- Joining Wenchypoo on the Counsel will be new appointee, muse, who plans to advocate the benefits of exercise, not just in the United States, but in Israel as well. Muse is incredibly unique because Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has nominated her as the Israeli Ambassador to the United States, to help people here understand the lasting and often unspoken effects of Middle East violence. Strangely, muse is also being considered for the Occupational Safety and Health Administration due to her belief in the importance of rubber gloves. The White House counsel's office is exploring the legality of muse's possible OSHA appointment.
- The President nominated Josh Cohen as Secretary of the Department of Energy. Evidently, Mr. Cohen's strategy when he takes office will be to explain to the public that they are taking it up the tailpipe in more places than the gas station. "This is exactly the energy strategy we've been looking for!," one White House source exclaimed, unable to contain his exuberance over the nomination. Although Mr. Cohen was initially considered for the Department of Labor, his advocacy for eliminating minimum wage positions was seen as too controversial, even amongst this group of nominees.
- Upon learning of her discovery of way to reduce the deficit by finding alternative sources of government funding, the President appointed miriam to the Office of Management and Budget. A White House official explained, "We're not quite sure how she's going to get traffic court for the federal government, but we have faith she'll figure something out."
- Elated with his ability to focus on good news in Iraq, the President announced he was nominating Chuck Ziegenfuss to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of the Department of Defense. "We knew if someone looked hard enough, they'd find good news in Iraq," said one White House official. The White House indicated they plan to look for someone with Secretary Ziegenfuss's diligence to search for WMD's in the hopes of finding those as well.
- Jeffery Strain was nominated to lead the Government Accountability Office due to his diligence in making, and completing, to-do lists. "Who else would you want to keep a government bureaucracy on track?," asked one White House source.
- The Random Yak was nominated to the Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board after advocating a day without socks. Certainly, anyone who has gone sockless for an extended period of time is more than qualified to discuss chemical waste.
- Since she understands how a child can always get his or her parent's attention, the President has nominated Writing Life to the Administration for Children and Families. "We just hope she can help all parents have that kind of dedication," said one White House source.
- Based on her ability to maintain historical documents, CountryGoalie has been nominated to head the National Archives and Records Administration. "If she maintains her own work that well, I'm sure she'll be great and taking care of the country's valuable documents," said a White House senior official.
- In light of his ability to convincingly lie to his own relatives, Tynan was nominated to the Office of Government Ethics. However, White House sources indicate the President had some reservations about this nomination. "Apparently, Tynan is predisposed to feeling guilty when he lies," one White House source said. "There's just no place for that in government."
- After learning of her night of nothingness, Leespea has been nominated to head the Federal Emergency Management Agency. As a White House source said, "Someone who can admit they do nothing is a definite improvement over Michael Brown."
- With her expertise in international movies, Fitena will make an interesting addition to the International Trade Commission. The unofficial White House comment was, "She can focus on what's really important and brings a perspective from Mauritius. Who was the last nominee you heard with those characteristics?"
- Her ability to recognize the importance of nature and the simple things in life, led the President to nominate Mata H as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. "At bare minimum, we'll know she'll protect the pretty stuff," said one White House source.
- The President has nominated Tracy Kaply as Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. As an official close to the President stated, "Anyone who deals with their archenemy by drowning them in bleach is exactly who we want advising the President during war time. That's the no-holds-barred mentality the President has been looking for."
- With her unique views on the nation's rails and roads, Heather B. was nominated to lead the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. "We've really underestimated the number of people who have the audacity to wear obnoxious orange shirts on rails like D.C.'s subway," said a White House staffer. "She'll be perfect to focus on that kind of overlooked information."
- Even though his focus has been on elves and hobbits rather than humans, the President saw it fitting to nominate Neil Kramer to head the National Endowment of the Humanities. "Even if we can't get him to focus on the human side of humanities," stated one White House source, "most of what we do can pretty much be summarized as fantasy anyway."
- After offering his observations about what does not qualify as new television programming, the President nominated Kevin Apgar to Chair the Federal Communications Commission. Said one White House staffer, "When the President saw 'Lost: Revelations,' he was so disappointed about its promotion as a new episode that the President knew he had to appoint Mr. Apgar."
- After showing the President some of his favorite pictures and a group of letters that he emphatically asserted were poetry, tiff was nominated to head the National Endowment of the Arts. "The President was happy a picture of him was included," said one staffer, "although he admitted it wasn't his favorite pose."
- Due to a strong interest in contraception, the President nominated Mark Rayner to lead the Department of Health and Human Services. "Sure, the administration has concerns that someone who cares so much about the history of 'the pill' could affect support from the right," stated one staffer, "but hell, we're out of here in 2008 with or without their support!"
- In light of her sympathy for octogenarians, Maribeth has been nominated to head the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services. One official stated, "She has exactly the type of sympathy for the elderly we're looking for to manage Medicare Part D."
- The President was so impressed with her ability to make small spaces comfortable for their occupants that he named Nelumbo to lead the Department of Housing and Urban Development. However, the President stated the nomination would not become effective for 5 to 6 months.
- After she spent a weekend helping the economy, Kristen Havens was nominated to lead the Department of Commerce. "We need someone who thinks first about the economy," said a White House source, "and Ms. Havens spent her weekend improving consumer confidence, even if it was just herself."
- Questioning the American reliance on computers caused beej to be nominated to head the beleaguered National Aeronautics and Space Administration. "The President couldn't agree with beej more," said one source. "In fact, he's hoping beej makes our next trip to the cosmos with pressurized water rockets or coke and mentos."
- Having discovered that you can meet strange creatures in parks, Marisa was nominated to lead the National Park Service. "She knows just how dangerous parks can be when you don't take precautions to protect yourself," said one seniorgovernmentt official.
- And, for obvious reasons, Hyperion was nominated to lead the Department of Justice's Witness Protection Program. Asked about the nomination, no White House official would comment. Hyperion also could not be located for comment.
Only time will tell if the President's strategy will be a successful one. Nevertheless, the Senate will certainly be busy over the next few months.
-- Some outstanding bloggers made invaluable contributions to this report. And yes, these are all actual U.S. government agencies. End of big government...yeah, right.
Update: I realized some of the links did not go to the proper place. Please retry if you had difficulties in the past. To the bloggers whose links I screwed up, my sincerest apologies.